SHE'S BEEN A SUPER EDITOR


11:30 - 02 August 2002

The Telegraph has uncovered a horrifying deception taking place right under the noses of our unsuspecting readers.

We are ashamed to reveal that former Editor Michelle Lalor has been revealed as a secret BRUNETTE.

Lalar has based her precarious career on the fact that she is a flame-haired haridan with a fiery temperament that has kept her staff living in fear for the past three years.

But after an intense investigation by Telegraph reporters Nick Coke and Ian Condom it was discovered Lilo has been dyeing her hair since she was four.

"The evidence is overwhelming," said Telegraph assistant editor Jane Mainwairing.

"We have discovered catering packs of hair dye in various shades, ranging from 'carrot ginge' to 'Steve Davis strawberry'.

"Loolar has simply been living a lie and it is the Telegraph that has suffered."

Under Loopla's red reign of terror the Telegraph has been transformed from a lovable local rag to a hardhitting tabloid.

Some of her changes have included:

COMPULSORY introduction of square blobs and fact files into every story.

MOVING the Telegraph offices from homely Doncaster Road to unisex toiletted No-Park Square.

The ENDING of a 256-year tradition by callously dumping the word 'Evening' from the Telegraph masthead.

ABOLISHING kettles, BANNING tea-bags and FORCING staff to consume amphetamine-laced 'beverages' in a bid to make them work harder.

REVOLUTIONISING the newsroom with the amazing 'box system' now practised by top newspapers across the town.

Staff and readers went along with Lilet's crazy schemes thinking she was a natural ginger. But news that she actually sports Liz Hurley-like tresses has left colleagues reeling with shock.

"I always suspected it," said women's editor Joan 'Jammie' Dodgers. "At the Hull Daily Mail she used to sneak off claiming she had to 'sand a beam'. I thought she was indulging in illegal sexual practises, but it now appears this is hairdresser-speak for 'dye my hair'."

Former colleague Reta O'Charitybox said: "There was only ever one true redhead in that office - the much missed Davide Stephans (sob!)."

But Jane Maninwaiting had words of reassurance for readers and staff alike.

"As soon as we discovered Laptop's vile secret we forced her to move somewhere grim. We are now getting a lovely new editor, Tom Shrub, who has promised to bring back Stranger Than Fiction and put Steelbeat back on Page Five."